The 18 Most Insane Food Challenges Ever: Reviewed

Thanks to my cousin Michele (and Buzzfeed, of course), the 18 most insane food challenges have been unearthed and published for public consumption. In my semi-drunken drunken state, I decided reviewing and adding personal commentary to said challenges would be a brilliant idea. So here are my notes via iPhone through Gmail. Fun times. Enjoy.

The actual food challenges are listed here: http://www.buzzfeed.com/spenceralthouse/most-insane-restaurant-food-challenges

1. The 11-Pound Carnivore Pizza Challenge
Big Pie in the Sky – Kennesaw, Ga.

Challenge: This pizza weighs 11 pounds, is 30 inches across, and must be eaten in under one hour. Two people are allowed to tag team this event, and it costs $50 to enter.

Prize: $250 is awarded to all successful teams.

My Notes: This can be done. I’ve eaten a full 16″ pizza in one sitting (and then some), so I really only need another person to eat just 14″. Doable. And I love pizza.

2. The 8th Wonder Challenge
Clinton Station Diner – Clinton, N.J.

Challenge: At 105 pounds, The 8th Wonder is the largest burger in the world. It’s 28 inches in diameter and 11.5 inches tall. Ten people are given only 60 minutes to demolish this beast (that’s 10.5 pounds of food per person).

Prize: A cash prize of $5,000 is given to all successful teams, but the odds are stacked against them; no one has ever conquered this challenge.

My Notes: Not going to happen. That’s over ten pounds of a burger for each person, in an hour. I’m not even sure I could down a five pound burger in that time. Godspeed.

3. The Jack-n-Grill Challenge
Jack-N-Grill – Denver, Colo.

Challenge: This 7-pound breakfast burrito is no joke, consisting of 7 potatoes, a pound of ham, a whole onion, cheese, chili, and, of course, a dozen eggs. There’s only one rule: no bathroom breaks.

Prize: Free food FOR LIFE is awarded to any woman who can finish this meal.

My Notes: I really like this challenge. Why? No time limit. There’s not many things I do that I can attach “endurance” to, but eating is one. And I’d have no problem withholding from the bathroom. I just pity the first toilet I see after the challenge is over.

4. The 72-ounce Steak Challenge
The Big Texan Steak Ranch – Amarillo, Texas

Challenge: Successfully consume a 72-ounce steak, a buttered bread roll, a shrimp cocktail, a baked potato, ranch beans, and, to make it a nice balanced meal, a salad. This is the perfect challenge for Ron Swanson.

Prize: The meal is free.

My Notes: The hardest part of this challenge is the baked potato. Those things will sink like a rock in your stomach and render you useless. By the way, thanks for the salad. I’m watching my figure. And thanks for the shrimp cocktail. Everybody loves shrimp cocktail.

5. The Monster Red Ruby Burger Challenge
Exeter’s Urban Burger Restaurant – Exeter, England

Challenge: Eat seven, 6-ounce burger patties, 14 slices of bacon, seven slices of cheese, and two giant portions of double-fried fries. Contestants only have 20 minutes to finish this beast.

Prize: A free meal and T-shirt.

My Notes: Ugh. Just reading this makes me heart stop. 42 ounces of beef, 14 slices of bacon, and a mountain of cheese and fries? And I gotta eat it in 20 minutes? You better have an ambulance on speed dial.

6. The 15 Dozen Club Challenge
Acme Oyster House – New Orleans, La.

Challenge: Consume 180 oysters in one sitting. But that’s nothing compared to the restaurant’s record holder, who has successfully eaten 43 dozen oysters. THAT’S 645 OYSTERS.

Prize: A free meal and T-shirt. So worth it.

My Notes: If raw oysters are anything like raw clams, send them over. And give me some hot sauce. Just slurp them down and hope you have enough room in your stomach. This might be the “easiest” challenge in terms of work. No chewing. Just breathing.

7. The Inferno Bowl Challenge
Nitally’s ThaiMex Cuisine – St. Petersburg, Fla.

Challenge: This 48-ounce soup is made from bhut jolokia, also known as ghost chili, one of the spiciest peppers in the world. Contestants have only 30 minutes to devour the whole thing.

Prize: $1,000 goes to successful competitors. But you “must be sober” to compete — that’s rule No. 4.

My Notes: Must be sober?!? Buzzkill. Drunk or sober, I’m not finishing this in 30 minutes. Hell, I doubt if I get through five minutes. I like spicy food, but there’s a limit. And ghost pepper usually crosses it.

8. The KIDZ Breakfast Challenge
Jester’s Diner – Great Yarmouth, England

Challenge: A kid’s challenge, you say? Think again. It’s called The KIDZ Breakfast Challenge because of its sheer weight: “It weighs the same as a small child.” Nine pounds of bacon, sausages, potatoes, mushrooms, black pudding, bread, eggs, beans, tomatoes, and hash browns top this sucker off.

Prize: Eat all 6,000 calories in one hour for a free meal.

My Notes: There have been many times where I felt like I’ve had a baby in me. This challenge may be no different. If I come into the meal really hungry, I think it can be completed. But black pudding is a wild card. I’m not sure what it is, but it sounds intimidating.

9. The Terminator Challenge
Shelby’s Kitchen and Deli – Deerfield Beach, Fla.

Challenge: A 24-inch pancake is merely the plate for this challenge. Don’t forget to top this beast off with four fried eggs, six sausage patties, a pound and a half of bacon, a pound and a half of home fries, and two slices of toast. Early bird gets the full stomach.

Prize: A free meal and a full stomach.

My Notes: Clear my calendar. Because I’m sure as hell not doing shit after this meal. The meat scares me the most. Six sausage patties and a pound and a half of bacon makes makes my heart cringe. But after that hurdle, all that’s left is carbs. Wonderful, starchy carbs. And eggs.

10. The Widow Maker Challenge
Sizzle and Grill Steakhouse – Cardiff, Wales

Challenge: As if a 69-ounce steak wasn’t enough, try adding some gammon (ham/smoked bacon), lamb chops, pork chops, chicken, sausages, eggs, mushrooms, peas, salad, and a side of French fries. Eight people have died while attempting this challenge (maybe).

Prize: A free T-shirt and meal.

My Notes: Eight people have died (allegedly) during this challenge. EIGHT. That’s eight too many for me. And for those of you keeping track, gammon sounds delicious.

11. The Fire In Your Hole Challenge
Munchies 420 Café – Sarasota, Fla.

Challenge: Eating 10 hot wings doesn’t sound too difficult, but these wings are coated with extract from THE HOTTEST PEPPER IN THE WORLD: the ghost pepper. Contestants have only 20 minutes to complete the challenge. Just a heads up, Adam Richman of the Travel Channel’s Man vs. Food was only able to eat two of these bad boys before giving up.

Prize: Winners get their picture put on a wall of fame, but losers are showcased on the wall of shame.

My Notes: See number 7. I like spicy food, but ghost pepper is too much. And Adam Richman couldn’t do it? Consider that my white flag.

12. The 7-Pound Italian Challenge
Mick & Angelo’s Eatery and Bar – Niagara Falls, Canada

Challenge: Contestants have 90 minutes to eat virtually every Italian dish you can think of: spaghetti, grilled sausage, lasagna, chicken parmesan, cheese manicotti, cannelloni, garlic bread, vegetable soup, and even an apple crisp. That’s seven pounds of food. There’s only one rule: you can’t leave the table.

Prize: A T-shirt, a free meal, and a picture on the wall of fame.

My Notes: Italian Challenge? Ha. Sounds like Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year’s to my family. Just make sure there’s room for me on the couch to pass out after I finish this meal.

13. The Pho Garden Challenge
Pho Garden – San Francisco, Calif.

Challenge: Dump two pounds of noodles, two pounds of beef and tripe, and a never-ending broth into the largest bowl you’ve ever seen, and you’ve got The Pho Garden Challenge. Contestants have only one hour to eat the bowl’s contents.

Prize: A picture on the wall of fame.

My Notes: Pretty sure this was on Man v. Food, but it was super spicy. Even if it’s not, I guarantee the pho is hot in a boiling sense. Consuming temperature hot foods can be worse than spicy hot foods. I’ll pass.

14. The Knucklehead Challenge
Knucklehead Hot Dog Diner – Roseville, Calif.

Challenge: Five quarter-pound hot dogs, three pounds of chili, and a pound of French fries, all topped off with handfuls of shredded cheese. This monster weighs over five pounds and must be eaten in under 20 minutes.

Prize: A free meal.

My Notes: Without the time limit, this challenge sounds easy. So easy that I could totally fit in a 20 minute (read: 20 step) jog post-challenge. But the time limit makes it a different ball game. If I’m determined, it could be done. If not, I’ll be staring at a load of fries (most likely), wondering where the time went.

15. The Bacon Bomb Challenge
Paddy Long’s – Chicago, Ill.

Challenge: Don’t let the picture fool you; that’s five pounds of ground sausage, pork, and beef, all of which is wrapped and slow-cooked in brown sugar bacon. Choose between fries or potato salad to complete this meal (which, heads up, would normally serve 6-8 people). Everything must be eaten in 45 minutes or less.

Prize: A picture on the wall of fame.

My Notes: First of all, gimme fries over potato salad. I need all the grease I can get to wash this challenge down. Second of all, JESUS CHRIST THAT’S A LOT OF MEAT. And there’s nothing else to go with it. No bread. No eggs. Just meat. I want a discount on my future hospital visit.

16. The Jumboli Challenge
Trimbo’s Pizza – Butte, Mont.

Challenge: This 80-ounce Stromboli is filled with mozzarella cheese, pizza sauce, fried peppers and onions, capacolla, salami, pepperoni, black olives, mushrooms, spinach, and ricotta cheese. That’s 5 pounds of food. Yeah, good luck.

Prize: Eat the whole thing in less than one hour for a free T-shirt and your picture on the wall of fame (or shame, depending on how much your stomach can handle).

My Notes: As a dude who has endured several “normal sized” Strombolis, this challenge is very doable if cheese isn’t the main ingredient. That cheese will weigh you down. I’d rather be weighed down with mushrooms and salami over cheese any day.

17. The Land Lubber’s Challenge
Port Royale Grille – Islip, N.Y.

Challenge: This challenge starts off easy: Eat either a soup or a salad. No problem, right? Now eat a full rack of ribs, a 14-ounce grilled rib-eye steak, a pound of pulled pork, a half-pound of BBQ chicken, French fries, coleslaw, and baked beans.

Prize: A free meal.

My Notes: Way too much work. End of story. Have you tried eating a full rack of ribs? I’ll take your finest 100 pack of napkins, sir. Oh. There’s more food? Can I get a doggie bag?

18. The Kitchen Sink Challenge
The San Francisco Creamery Co. – Walnut Creek, Calif.

Challenge: This monster sundae consists of three bananas, eight scoops of ice cream (flavors are of the contestant’s choosing), eight different toppings, whipped cream, nuts, and cherry to top it all off…and maybe a brain freeze or two.

Prize: Those who successfully devour the sundae in under an hour will receive free ice cream for a year.

My Notes: Dessert! When I played in the school band, after a concert, we’d go to Friendly’s for ice cream to “celebrate.” I’ll always remember the time I got a Jim Dandy. It’s like a banana split with five scoops of ice cream and all the fixings. And I devoured it. That was fifth grade I think. Extrapolate that out, and I could probably handle a 27-scoop sundae these days.

******

Recap: According the my calculations, I could handle about half of these challenges (in my mind), but I wouldn’t stand a chance against the other half. But that’s the way food challenges go. Sometimes you’re flush. Sometimes you’re flushing. And sometimes you’re flushing again, because nothing is going down. We’ve all been there.

Let’s finish with an appropriate Vincent Vega quote: “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go home and have a heart attack.”

Good day.

Magic Manning

I’m a little late with this post, so by now, I’m assuming you witnessed Denver’s second half comeback against San Diego on Monday night, led by the one, the only, Peyton Manning. For those of you not in tune with the football world, Manning’s Broncos were trailing 24-0 going into halftime. Peyton channeled his inner Frank Reich in the second half, leading Denver to 35 unanswered points and a massive victory over their division rivals. Yes, I realize anyone hearing about this for the first time will not understand the Frank Reich reference. And yes, I realize this is the second time I’ve referenced Frank Reich this season. It’s just so easy. And I’m sure Frank Reich is happy to stay current.

Some reading music please.

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 6 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

Black Bush 172.52, Piss On You 128.42 – Read my lips. Sole possession of first place.
A fuckn shark ate me 170.98, UnitedStatesofSpace 168.06 – USS needed Jackie Battle to score three points, not 0.3.
RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA 147.92, Good Ass Cheese 110.72 – My team is Milton Waddams stuck in Storage B.
TastesLikeItSmells 188.32, 19th St Gangsters 140.32 – Aren’t you glad I said to keep A.J. Green?
The Three Daves 149.66, Tron 113.94 – The first win for TTD. Pop those corks.

Here are the standings after Week 6.

Toilet Bowl 2012 Good Ass Cheese Winless Watch
So last week I wrote about the possibility of The Three Daves and Good Ass Cheese meeting in Week 9, both at 0-8 and battling for their first win. Of course, by posting that idea in a public forum, the hopes of the Toilet Bowl 2012 were dashed when The Three Daves picked up victory number one last week over Tron. Congrats John! But now, I’m attempting to exploit this “reverse psychology” by writing about how likely it is for my team to go winless through the entire season, in hopes that I win my first game this week. So yeah, here we come 0-14. Wink wink cough cough nudge nudge.

And by the way, anyone who was looking forward to Toilet Bowl 2012 will be pleased to know that we are looking to schedule Upper Decker Bowl 2012 in its place.
Likelihood of GAC going winless: 0.39%

All-Crack Party Team – Week 6
First-time members: Aaron Rodgers, Antonio Gates, Dez Bryant, Jordy Nelson, New York Giants Defense, Ray Rice, Wes Welker
Repeat members: A.J Green (2nd appearance), Ahmad Bradshaw (2nd appearance), Rob Bironas (2nd appearance)

QB – Aaron Rodgers (UnitedStatesofSpace) – 53.22 points
WR – Jordy Nelson (The Three Daves) – 42.10 points
WR – Wes Welker (TastesLikeItSmells) – 35.52 points
WR – A.J. Green (TastesLikeItSmells) – 35.50 points
RB – Ray Rice (RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA) – 24.60 points
RB – Ahmad Bradshaw (UnitedStatesofSpace) – 21.00 points
TE – Antonio Gates (19th St Gangsters) – 26.10 points
FLEX – Dez Bryant (A fuckn shark ate me) – 34.90 points
K – Rob Bironas (TastesLikeItSmells) – 16.00 points
DEF – New York Giants (Black Bush) – 30.08 points

Week 6 All-Crack Party Team Total – 319.74 points

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 7 Preview
Matchups and a preview of ten words or less.

Black Bush vs. TastesLikeItSmells – BB looks unstoppable. Currently projected to go undefeated.
Piss On You vs. UnitedStatesofSpace – Rebound game for both teams after losses last week.
A fuckn shark ate me vs. 19th St Gangsters – Sharks won last four, averaging 162 PPG  in those games.
RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA vs. The Three Daves – With one under their belt, can TTD earn win #2?
Tron vs. Good Ass Cheese – Combined, the teams have a ten-game losing streak. Ouch.

NFL – Week 6 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

Titans 26, Steelers 23 – Never underestimate a home underdog on national television.
Falcons 23, Raiders 20 – Falcons looked ugly, but it’s a win. They’ll take it.
Browns 34, Bengals 24 – Browns have way too much offense for one-win team.
Dolphins 17, Rams 14 – Dolphins tied for first in AFC East. Crazy, right?
Jets 35, Colts 9 – Jets tied for first in AFC East. Crazy, right?
Lions 26, Eagles 23 (OT) – The Eagles sure know how to disappoint their fan base.
Ravens 31, Cowboys 29 – Apparently, Jason Garrett was not taught clock management at Princeton.
Buccaneers 38, Chiefs 10 – Kansas City is flat out awful.
Seahawks 24, Patriots 23 – Totally called this. Seattle is extremely difficult at home.
Bills 19, Cardinals 16 (OT) – Bills tied for first in AFC East. Crazy, right?
Giants 26, 49ers 3 – So much for revenge. Giants crushed Niners every way possible.
Redskins 38, Vikings 26 – RGIII making Washington look smart on that draft-day trade.
Packers 42, Texans 24 – Their record means nothing. Packers are still very dangerous.
Broncos 35, Chargers 24 – It’s not how you start. It’s how you finish.

Bonus: Your music probably ran out by now, so here’s some more.

NFL – Week 7 Preview
Each game rated as a Sitter, Switcher, or Shitter. Definitions below. Then ten words or less.

• Sitter – AKA The Ass Groove Special. Ass glued to the couch. Eyes glued to the game. No bathroom breaks. Someone can bring you a sandwich and/or a bedpan.
• Switcher – Keep the remote handy. There’s other action to flip to during commercials. Including that Baywatch rerun. Or that Chef Tony infomercial.
• Shitter – Time to deal with the “pressing issues” at the “office.” The Browns going to the Super Bowl takes on a more figurative meaning.

Sitters
Seattle at San Francisco (Thu. 8:20 PM) – Will Seattle’s D go “U MAD BRO?” on Alex Smith? (Editor’s Note: They did not.)
Washington at New York Giants (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Giants were unstoppable last week. Is RGIII their Kryptonite?
Baltimore at Houston (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Can Baltimore offensive attack overshadow their now injury-plagued defense?
New York Jets at New England (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Always an entertaining matchup with their history of hatred.
Detroit at Chicago (Mon. 8:30 PM) – Chicago must win division games to maintain NFC North lead.

Switchers
Tennessee at Buffalo (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Is Frank Wycheck available for another Music City Miracle?
Cleveland at Indianapolis (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Take the over on this one. Just a hunch.
New Orleans at Tampa Bay (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Time for Saints to prove first win wasn’t a fluke.
Green Bay at St. Louis (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Green Bay’s back, but Rams’ D plays hard at home.
Arizona at Minnesota (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Cardinals surprisingly might miss Kevin Kolb under center.
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (Sun. 8:20 PM) – Rebound game, as both squads were upset last week.

Shitters
Dallas at Carolina (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Talk about disappointments. Neither team has won since Week 3.
Jacksonville at Oakland (Sun. 4:25 PM) – This game will be meaningful when Jacksonville moves to LA.

Bye: Atlanta, Denver, Kansas City, Miami, Philadelphia, San Diego

Benny The Bookie
Benny is the local bookie near my office who went on an all-week bender after calling the Seattle over New England upset last week. I didn’t see him until Friday, and when I did, he looked like he had been hit by a train, and then hit by a train again. The man knows how to party. Benny’s record improves to 4-2. Here are his thoughts on Week 7.

I’m exhausted. You know how hard it is collecting eighty grand from the schmucks who went against me last week? Vaffanculo! I need a break. Between collecting and winning, I’ve got no time to do anything else. But when I’m up this big, who cares, right? I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I haven’t been this hot since the ’90s. You gotta ride it baby. Ride the wave. So for all you sciattones who still don’t believe me, take Dallas -2 over Carolina this week. It’s an easy money pick. You can’t lose. Not with this hot streak I’m on. Scungilli!

Pugliese Power Pro Picks
My dad maintained his three point lead over the field after Week 6, but Anthony was the big riser, moving all the way up to second place. Only eleven weeks to go. Can’t hold anything back now.

Win Or Die (Or Lose Once Twice)
It’s all over! Jess Rand is our champion! She outlasted Stephen and her sister Steph, winning on her pick of Baltimore. Stephen and Steph both lost on Arizona. As you can see below, other than Jeff, everyone was eliminated directly or indirectly by Arizona (the Cardinals upset New England in Week 2). Congrats Jess!

Fantasy Football Olympics
Thank God for this league. I may be winless and in dead last in my league, but my team (Brahjzoot Sangwitch) in this league is now 4-2 and on top of the standings. It feels good to win. Maybe my Good Ass Cheese team will experience that soon. Anthony’s team (The Missing) suffered a close loss in Week 6, falling to The Factorbacks by only three points. His team is good on paper, but they just haven’t performed to expectations thus far. Luckily, there’s still time to make up ground and move into the playoff picture.

That’s all for the blog. And since it’s noon, I need to check my fantasy rosters. Good stuff. Thanks for reading. Here’s some hot wings. Eat some while watching football. Bring napkins.

Enjoy Week 7.

More Than Luck

Maybe it was the home crowd. Maybe it was the “Win one for the Gipper” mindset. Maybe it was the al-al-al-al-al-alcohol. But when Andrew Luck engineered a fourth quarter comeback over the heavily favored Packers, it wasn’t just luck. It was skill. It was ability. It was determination. All things that Andrew Luck possesses. And a really strong right arm. The Colts’ 30-27 victory might not be the most spectacular win of their season (who am I kidding, yes it is), but it’ll definitely be the most memorable.

To summarize, Andrew Luck is the real deal and it was totally worth a mind-numbing 2-14 season last year in order for the Colts to draft him. That’s all. And I’m done talking like a modern-day Matt Foley.

Let’s blog it up. Maybe it was the al-al-al-al-al-alcohol.

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 5 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

Black Bush 192.50, Good Ass Cheese 95.06 – My team has hit rock bottom. I need Dr. Drew.
Piss On You 141.44, 19th St Gangsters 90.08 – POY has won all games by 30 points or more.
A fuckn shark ate me 169.14, The Three Daves 123.02 – Last year’s champ still waiting on win number one.
RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA 169.66, TastesLikeItSmells 159.96 – Important win for RM moves them up to FIF! place.
UnitedStatesofSpace 174.80, Tron 124.70 – Winning is easier when top two starters score 80 points.

Here are the standings after Week 5.

Toilet Bowl 2012 Watch
No, this is not a section where I talk about how my toilet has been performing this week (it’s fine, thank you for asking). However, I will be discussing a different kind of Toilet Bowl. If you look above, you’ll see The Three Daves and Good Ass Cheese (my team) both winless at the moment. The teams will not meet until Week 9, but there’s a distinct possibility that both teams will be 0-8 when they face each other. If that does happen, the team’s fantasy seasons will be long gone (if they’re not already), with no hope for a winning season. Then, the single greatest sports phenomenon will occur. The Toilet Bowl. A celebration of disappointment and general ineptitude. One team will ultimately bask in their first win of the season, while the other team will question their existence and consider moving out of the country. I can’t wait.
Likelihood of Toilet Bowl 2012: 1.6%

All-Crack Party Team – Week 5
Below are the best performances from starters in Week 5. We’ve got some repeat offenders. Marques Colston made the squad for the second week in a row, as did Brandon Marshall (who leads overall with three appearances). Tony Gonzalez and the Chicago Defense both earned on a spot on the team as well, repeating their successes from Week 3.

QB – Drew Brees (Black Bush) – 38.60 points
WR – Reggie Wayne (UnitedStatesofSpace) – 44.20 points
WR – Marques Colston (Piss On You) – 43.10 points
WR – Percy Harvin (Black Bush) – 34.60 points
RB – Ahmad Bradshaw (UnitedStatesofSpace) – 34.90 points
RB – Arian Foster (A fuckn shark ate me) – 28.80 points
TE – Tony Gonzalez (Tron) – 33.30 points
FLEX – Brandon Marshall (A fuckn shark ate me) – 34.40 points
K – Blair Walsh (The Three Daves) – 13.00 points
DEF – Chicago (A fuckn shark ate me) – 32.44 points

Week 5 All-Crack Party Team Total – 337.34 points

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 6 Preview
Matchups and a preview of ten words or less.

Black Bush vs. Piss On You – #1 vs. #2. Colossal matchup of undefeateds. Possible championship preview?
A fuckn shark ate me vs. UnitedStatesofSpace – #3 vs. #4. Colossal matchup undercard. Sharks won three straight.
RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA vs. Good Ass Cheese – Is Wayne Brady going to choke this game?
19th St Gangsters vs. TastesLikeItSmells – If patterns mean anything, Gangsters will win this contest.
Tron vs. The Three Daves – Both teams would like to end their lengthy losing streaks.

NFL – Week 5 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

Rams 17, Cardinals 3 – Rams over .500 for first time since 2006. Wow.
Dolphins 17, Bengals 13 – Dolphins’ D held Bengals’ explosive WRs to only one TD.
Colts 30, Packers 27 – Luck played like a savvy veteran in comeback victory.
Ravens 9, Chiefs 6 – Orioles defeat Royals thanks to two homeruns from Brady Anderson.
Vikings 30, Titans 7 – Without OT win against Detroit, Titans scoring just 11 PPG.
Falcons 24, Redskins 17 – Falcons are 5-0 for first time in team’s history.
Giants 41, Browns 27 – Giants were on ABC. All Bradshaw & Cruz. Folks!
Steelers 16, Eagles 14 – Philadelphia got Philadelphia’d. Let’s go drink at Paddy’s.
Seahawks 16, Panthers 12 – Cam Newton seems to be hitting the sophomore slump hard.
Bears 41, Jaguars 3 – Jacksonville should be demoted to the DNFL. Or the UFL.
Patriots 31, Broncos 21 – Tom wins Manning-Brady XIII thanks to unstoppable ground game.
49ers 45, Bills 3 – Thanks for making the trip Buffalo.
Saints 31, Chargers 24 – Brees breaks record and Saints finally break losing streak.
Texans 23, Jets 17 – Jets made it interesting, but imploded as usual.

Bonus: AMENDOLA ANGRY! That should be read in the voice of a caveman. Seriously though, I can think of a few teams who wish their starting QB had an arm like Amendola’s.

NFL – Week 6 Preview
Each game rated as a Sitter, Switcher, or Shitter. Definitions below. Then ten words or less.

• Sitter – AKA The Ass Groove Special. Ass glued to the couch. Eyes glued to the game. No bathroom breaks. Someone can bring you a sandwich and/or a bedpan.
• Switcher – Keep the remote handy. There’s other action to flip to during commercials. Including that Baywatch rerun. Or that Chef Tony infomercial.
• Shitter – Time to deal with the “pressing issues” at the “office.” The Browns going to the Super Bowl takes on a more figurative meaning.

Sitters
New England at Seattle (Sun. 4:05 PM) – Seahawks allowing only 14 PPG and extremely tough at home.
New York Giants at San Francisco (Sun. 4:25 PM) – 2011 NFC Championship rematch should be as entertaining as original.
Green Bay at Houston (Sun. 8:20 PM) – Formerly a possible Super Bowl preview. Currently not the case.
Denver at San Diego (Mon. 8:30 PM) – Important contest for teams most likely to win AFC West.

Switchers
Cincinnati at Cleveland (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Battle of Ohio Part II. Lots of orange. And scoring.
St. Louis at Miami (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Two under-the-radar defensive juggernauts. Sacks and picks aplenty.
Indianapolis at New York Jets (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Can Luck sustain magic from last week on the road?
Detroit at Philadelphia (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Matchup between two of this season’s most disappointing offenses.
Dallas at Baltimore (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Both teams are coming off of ugly performances.
Buffalo at Arizona (Sun. 4:05 PM) – Atrocious Buffalo D allowed 97 points in last two games.
Minnesota at Washington (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Vikings have looked better and better each week.

Shitters
Pittsburgh at Tennessee (Thu. 8:20 PM) – Even with injuries, Pittsburgh D should destroy Tennessee.
Oakland at Atlanta (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Keep the buses warm Oakland. This will be over quickly.
Kansas City at Tampa Bay (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Brady Quinn’s first start since 2009. And nobody cares.

Bye: Carolina, Chicago, Jacksonville, New Orleans

Benny The Bookie
Benny is the local bookie near my office who blew all the money he won last week from correctly picking Chicago in just twenty minutes.  What can I say? He’s my favorite degenerate gambler other than Artie Lange. Benny’s record improves to 3-2. Let’s hear what he has to say about Week 6.

Marrona! How about that Chicago pick last week? I’m golden baby! I can’t go wrong! Believe it or not, I brought in almost ten large on some schmucks who thought Jacksonville had a chance. Cogliones! So time for the kid to put out the Week 6 pick. Seattle +3.5 over New England. You heard that right. Don’t sleep on Seattle. They’re a big money pick this week and I’m gonna cash in! I’m on fire!

Pugliese Power Pro Picks
Week 5 increased my dad’s lead on the rest of the group to three points. The lead may be small right now, but this is the kind of advantage that can grow slowly over the rest of the season and guarantee a first place finish.

Win Or Die (Or Lose Once Twice)
Team Pugliese shrunk to Individual Pugliese after Week 5. Jo Jo rode the Arizona train and lost, as the Cardinals derailed in St. Louis. So now we’re down to three. Jess, Steph, and Stephen. Only two more losses until we have a champion. Time to sweat.

Fantasy Football Olympics
My team (Brahjzoot Sangwitch) and Anthony’s team (The Missing) racked up big points in Week 5. The only difference between us was that my opponent tallied the highest score of the season thus far, while Anthony thoroughly dismantled his opponent. My loss and Anthony’s win put us right next to each other in the standings, sitting at fourth and fifth.

That’s all for this week. Just in time for the Thursday night kickoff. By the way, if you hear any yelling in Lancaster on Sunday afternoon, it could be one of two things. My dad screaming at the TV because Dallas is playing like shit. Or my dad screaming at us for getting him something for his birthday. Don’t be alarmed.

Enjoy Week 6.

Business As Usual

Week 4 in the NFL went pretty much as expected. The regular refs returned to action, restoring order to the previously maligned football world. Of the fifteen games played in Week 4, only five were won by underdogs (nice work Bears, Chargers, Rams, Redskins, and Vikings). And to top it all off, Tony Romo and the rest of the Cowboys choked on a national stage. Yup. Business as usual.

To the blog. TUNE XM 60 OUTLAW. That was a Peyton impression.

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 4 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

Black Bush 216.08, UnitedStatesofSpace 133.08 – Another landslide victory for the all-powerful Black Bush.
Piss On You 191.04, Tron 145.02 – POY hasn’t needed to break out Doo Doo Butter yet.
A fuckn shark ate me 164.16, RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA 145.04 – Monday night’s performances nearly doubled Sharks’ Sunday score.
19th St Gangsters 154.52, The Three Daves 153.68 – TTD lost by less than one point. That’s cold-blooded.
TastesLikeItSmells 178.78, Good Ass Cheese 142.44 – Another week, another loss. I feel like Stephen in 2011.

Here are the standings after Week 4.

All-Crack Party Team – Week 4
Below are the best performances from starters in Week 4. It was another week of evenly dispersed talent, as seven teams out of ten had at least one of their players make the squad. Better luck next week 19th St Gangsters, RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA, and UnitedStatesofSpace.

QB – Tom Brady (TastesLikeItSmells) – 40.00 points
WR – Roddy White (The Three Daves) – 40.90 points
WR – Marques Colston (Piss On You) – 32.30 points
WR – Brandon Marshall (A fuckn shark ate me) – 28.80 points
RB – Michael Turner (The Three Daves) – 29.10 points
RB – Marshawn Lynch (Good Ass Cheese) – 27.50 points
TE – Jason Witten (Black Bush) – 32.20 points
FLEX – Victor Cruz (Black Bush) – 27.90 points
K – Matt Prater (Black Bush) – 16.00 points
DEF – San Francisco (Tron) – 34.60 points

Week 4 All-Crack Party Team Total – 309.30 points

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 5 Preview
Matchups and a preview of ten words or less.

Black Bush vs. Good Ass Cheese – First vs. Almost Worst. Upset alert? Anyone? No? Nobody?
Piss On You vs. 19th St Gangsters – Should be a shootout. Both teams averaging 165 PPG.
A fuckn shark ate me vs. The Three Daves – 2010 Champion faces 2011 Champion in 2012.
TastesLikeItSmells vs. RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA – TLIS win would be team’s third in a row.
Tron vs. UnitedStatesofSpace – Suddenly reeling teams fighting to prevent three-game losing streak.

NFL – Week 4 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

Ravens 23, Browns 16 – Hail Mary with significantly less drama ended Cleveland’s comeback attempt.
Falcons 30, Panthers 28 – Carolina played not to lose. The plan backfired.
Patriots 52, Bills 28 – After trailing 21-7, Patriots finished with a 45-7 run.
Vikings 20, Lions 13 – Vikings would be undefeated without last-second loss to Indianapolis.
Chargers 37, Chiefs 20 – KC made it easy for SD with all their turnovers.
Rams 19, Seahawks 13 – Field goal team responsible for all of Rams’ points.
49ers 34, Jets 0 – Hard to believe Jets are tied for first in division.
Texans 38, Titans 14 – Undefeated Houston yet to be truly challenged by opponent.
Cardinals 24, Dolphins 21 (OT) – Miami’s historic offensive output overshadowed by OT loss again.
Bengals 27, Jaguars 10 – Andy Dalton & Company lead Bengals to third straight win.
Broncos 37, Raiders 6 – Denver is a definite contender. Oakland is…Oakland.
Packers 28, Saints 27 – Packer fans are tired of all referees, replacements or regulars.
Redskins 24, Buccaneers 22 – Schiano hasn’t won since utilizing his kneel down defense. Karma?
Eagles 19, Giants 17 – Penalties nearly won, but ultimately lost game for Giants.
Bears 34, Cowboys 18 – Cowboys win ugly and lose uglier. Nice game Chicago.

Bonus: What was in Gruden’s drink Monday night?

NFL – Week 5 Preview
Each game rated as a Sitter, Switcher, or Shitter. Definitions below. Then ten words or less.

• Sitter – AKA The Ass Groove Special. Ass glued to the couch. Eyes glued to the game. No bathroom breaks. Someone can bring you a sandwich and/or a bedpan.
• Switcher – Keep the remote handy. There’s other action to flip to during commercials. Including that Baywatch rerun. Or that Chef Tony infomercial.
• Shitter – Time to deal with the “pressing issues” at the “office.” The Browns going to the Super Bowl takes on a more figurative meaning.

Sitters
Philadelphia at Pittsburgh (Sun. 1:00 PM) – The Pennsylvania rivalry. So glad I’m not in State College.
Denver at New England (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Manning vs. Brady. With a new twist.
San Diego at New Orleans (Sun. 8:20 PM) – Brees faces former team in a shot at history.

Switchers
Arizona at St. Louis (Thu. 8:20 PM) – Cardinals could be 5-0 for first time since 1974.
Miami at Cincinnati (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Bengals play toughest defensive opponent since Week 1 in Baltimore.
Tennessee at Minnesota (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Titans have “held” opponents to average of 38 points. Ouch.
Atlanta at Washington (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Falcons and Redskins are NFC’s highest scoring teams. Believe that.
Seattle at Carolina (Sun. 4:05 PM) – Carolina offense vs. Seattle defense is an intriguing matchup.
Buffalo at San Francisco (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Chris Berman’s Super Bowl pick for most of the ’90s.

Shitters
Green Bay at Indianapolis (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Trap game for Packers with Houston in Week 6?
Baltimore at Kansas City (Sun. 1:00 PM) – If turnovers continue for Chiefs, Baltimore will make them pay.
Cleveland at New York Giants (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Weeden could take “Giant” beating from New York’s front seven.
Chicago at Jacksonville (Sun. 4:05 PM) – Bears are tough to stop when Cutler and Marshall connect.
Houston at New York Jets (Mon. 8:30 PM) – Thought last week was ugly? This could be worse.

Bye: Dallas, Detroit, Oakland, Tampa Bay

Benny The Bookie
Benny is the local bookie near my office whose facial expression never changes. You might not be able to tell, but he’s ecstatic about correctly picking San Francisco last week. Benny is currently 2-2 and ready to drop some more football tips for “yous guys.”

What’d I tell ya? The Niners were a gold pick. Solid gold, like the one and only Frankie Sinatra. And now the end is near, and so I face the final curtain, my friend I’ll say it clear, I’ll state my case of which I’m certain. Those were the days. But just like Frankie, I gotta case and I’ll state it clear. Chicago -4 over Jacksonville. Easy money baby. I’ve lived a life that’s full, I’ve traveled each and every highway, and more, much more than this, I did it my way.

Pugliese Power Pro Picks
After four weeks of pick’em action, my dad has emerged as the leader, but only by the slightest of margins. Dana and Steph Rand are sitting in second, one point out of first.

Win Or Die (Or Lose Once Twice)
Things are back to normal after the Week 3 debacle, where even though everyone remaining in the pool lost, none of them truly lost. The Team Pugliese vs. Team Rand battle still remains after all Week 4 selections were correct. It only gets harder from here.

Fantasy Football Olympics
The Pugliese Bowl between Anthony (The Missing) and myself (Brahjzoot Sangwitch) went back and forth, coming down to Monday Night Football. I had a dilemma. Anthony had Tony Romo and DeMarco Murray left to play, while I had Brandon Marshall remaining, meaning that if I wanted to win in fantasy, the Cowboys would most likely have to lose. And they did. Thanks again Tony (Romo, that is).

Breaking news out of the FFO. The league’s first trade has officially been accepted, sending Aaron Rodgers to Game of Throws (my boss’ team) and The Factorbacks receiving Matthew Stafford and Ahmad Bradshaw in exchange. In my mind, there’s no question that my boss is the absolute winner in this trade. Picking up an elite QB for the cost of a very good, but not elite QB and an RB who’s injured and possibly part of a timeshare is a victory in my book. Aaron Rodgers was the number one overall pick in the draft as well, which makes this deal even more of a head-scratcher. I’m not complaining though, especially since The Factorbacks are my Week 5 opponent. Their newly acquired QB is on bye this week, leaving them with Alex Smith in line to make the start. To quote Stuart Scott, “I don’t wanna say anything, but that ain’t right.”

That’s it for this post. Time to start working. Apparently, America wants to see me work, not live. On the plus side, I’m off Monday for the whole Columbus “discovering” America thing. Thanks Chris.

Enjoy Week 5. And speedboats.

Stars In Stripes

You saw the play. You know the controversy. I won’t rehash it. Mostly because I don’t have time. But the scene on Thursday was almost surreal. The regular refs returning to the NFL and appearing in Baltimore to a standing ovation. Ray Lewis hugged Gene Steratore. That may never happen again. Ever.

Glad to have you back real refs. I will miss some of the replacement refs’ antics though.

To the blog. Let’s cue up the music.

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 3 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

Black Bush 155.76, Tron 108.30 – BB stays on undefeated path in conquest for foreign oil.
Piss On You 151.26, The Three Daves 94.36 – Three losses for Three Daves. Tough sledding this season.
TastesLikeItSmells 169.24, UnitedStatesofSpace 99.70 – Two starters scoring zero points usually a bad omen.
RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA 199.92, 19th St Gangsters 152.00 – RM: “Osche? What’s this? One win? Mr. Victory is lonely.”
A fuckn shark ate me 142.76, Good Ass Cheese 115.82 – Rick James said “The milk’s gone bad!” He was right.

Here are the standings after Week 3.

All-Crack Party Team – Week 3
Below are the best performances from starters in Week 3. Quite the mix of teams. Only UnitedStatesofSpace and Good Ass Cheese did not have a member of their team make the All-Crack Party team this week.

QB – Matt Ryan (Piss On You) – 25.40 points
WR – A.J. Green (TastesLikeItSmells) – 37.40 points
WR – Calvin Johnson (Piss On You) – 34.40 points
WR – Larry Fitzgerald (Black Bush) – 28.40 points
RB – Jamaal Charles (RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA) – 46.80 points
RB – Maurice Jones-Drew (19th St Gangsters) – 32.30 points
TE – Tony Gonzalez (Tron) – 24.10 points
FLEX – Andre Brown (The Three Daves) – 30.00 points
K – Rob Bironas (TastesLikeItSmells) – 14.00 points
DEF – Chicago (A fuckn shark ate me) – 34.96 points

Week 3 All-Crack Party Team Total – 307.76 points

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 4 Preview
Matchups and a preview of ten words or less.

Black Bush vs. UnitedStatesofSpace – It’s like 2004 all over again. Bush keeps winning.
Piss On You vs. Tron – POY is on Flomax. The victories are streaming.
A fuckn shark ate me vs. RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA – Both squads want to build on impressive performances last week.
19th St Gangsters vs. The Three Daves – Highest scoring team vs. lowest scoring team. Upset alert?
TastesLikeItSmells vs. Good Ass Cheese – “Good-Ass Cheese” turning into “Good Ass-Cheese” real quick.

NFL – Week 3 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

Giants 36, Panthers 7 – Injuries, schminjuries. Giants made Carolina look like high school team.
Bears 23, Rams 6 – Bears defense harassed Sam Bradford and sealed the victory.
Bills 24, Browns 14 – Bills have no luck keeping their backfield healthy.
Cowboys 16, Buccaneers 10 – Ugly, but a win is a win is a win.
Jets 23, Dolphins 20 (OT) – Icing kicker not always a good idea. Ask Joe Philbin.
Vikings 24, 49ers 13 – Apparently, the Niners aren’t invincible. Actually looked quite beatable.
Chiefs 27, Saints 24 (OT) – 21 unanswered points from KC dropped Saints to unthinkable 0-3.
Bengals 38, Redskins 31 – Bengals’ no-name receivers (not named A.J. Green) outperforming expectations.
Titans 44, Lions 41 (OT) – Ridiculous comeback spoiled after awful fourth down decision in OT.
Jaguars 22, Colts 17 – Denny Green says the Colts “let ’em off the hook.”
Cardinals 27, Eagles 6 – Vick abused all day long by ferocious Arizona D.
Falcons 27, Chargers 3 – Matt Ryan should be leading the MVP race right now.
Texans 31, Broncos 25 – Texans controlled the game much more than the score suggests.
Raiders 34, Steelers 31 – Week 4 bye can’t come sooner for Pittsburgh’s ailing defense.
Ravens 31, Patriots 30 – Another exciting display of arguably best rivalry in football today.
Seahawks 14, Packers 12 – Unforgettable game. For all the wrong reasons. Wow.

Bonus: That grab cost Bill Belichick fifty large.

Bonus Bonus: Mike McCarthy didn’t take the replacement ref bait.

NFL – Week 4 Preview
Each game rated as a Sitter, Switcher, or Shitter. Definitions below. Then ten words or less.

• Sitter – AKA The Ass Groove Special. Ass glued to the couch. Eyes glued to the game. No bathroom breaks. Someone can bring you a sandwich and/or a bedpan.
• Switcher – Keep the remote handy. There’s other action to flip to during commercials. Including that Baywatch rerun. Or that Chef Tony infomercial.
• Shitter – Time to deal with the “pressing issues” at the “office.” The Browns going to the Super Bowl takes on a more figurative meaning.

Sitters
New Orleans at Green Bay (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Battle of 0-3 vs. 1-2? That shit cray.
New York Giants at Philadelphia (Sun. 8:20 PM) – Intense NFC East rivalry. Expect lots of chippy play.

Switchers
Cleveland at Baltimore (Thu. 8:30 PM) – Ravens won, but we all won with regular refs back.
Carolina at Atlanta (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Falcons haven’t trailed in a game yet. Good luck Carolina.
New England at Buffalo (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Teams going opposite directions face off in AFC East clash.
Minnesota at Detroit (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Will this finally be Detroit’s coming out party?
San Diego at Kansas City (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Arrowhead is always a tough venue for the Chargers.
Seattle at St. Louis (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Seattle sacked Aaron Rodgers eight times last week. Sam Bradford beware.
San Francisco at New York Jets (Sun. 1:00 PM) – After last week, Jets are just what the Niners need.
Tennessee at Houston (Sun. 1:00 PM) – A win locks up an undefeated September for Houston.
Oakland at Denver (Sun. 4:05 PM) – Tommy Kelly lost his pants in Denver. Love it.
Chicago at Dallas (Mon. 8:30 PM) – Two unimpressive 2-1 squads on national display. Enjoy.

Shitters
Miami at Arizona (Sun. 4:05 PM) – Arizona D should feast on rookie Ryan Tannehill.
Cincinnati at Jacksonville (Sun. 4:05 PM) – Jags could have tough time stopping Cincinnati’s explosive offense.
Washington at Tampa Bay (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Has RGIII’s aura from Week 1 worn off?

Bye: Indianapolis, Pittsburgh

Even More Bonus: Tommy Kelly and his pants.

Benny The Bookie
Benny is the local bookie near my office, currently at risk of getting his kneecaps broken. His pick of Indianapolis -3 last week was not a winner, giving Benny his second straight loss and dropping his record to 1-2.

Here’s a tip for you cafones. Throw some scharole on San Francisco -4.5 over the Jets. It’s a sure thing. They just lost Revis for the season and he was their best defensive player. He was their best offensive player too, but he didn’t play offense. Ohhh! Bring back Broadway Joe. There’s a guy who knew how to live. I remember back in ’69, he opened up that Bachelors III club. What a joint. And the NFL had the stones to make him close it down. Ya believe that? Buncha jerks.

Pugliese Power Pro Picks
My dad and Steph Rand have moved into the lead after Week 3, but the biggest congrats goes to my cousin Michele. Despite her limited football knowledge, she tallied the most correct picks of the group last week and moved into serious contention. Nice job Michele.

Win Or Die (Or Lose Once)
Three weeks, all 14 players eliminated. Truly the quickest and most bizarre survivor pool I’ve ever seen. But since no one made a correct pick last week, the show must go on so that a real winner can be crowned. Team Pugliese vs. Team Rand is still in effect. Whose side are you on?

Fantasy Football Olympics
Week 3 of my boss’ fantasy league was rough. My team (Brahjzoot Sangwitch) suffered its first loss and Anthony’s team (The Missing) took a sixty-point beating. This week, we face each other in the Pugliese Bowl. Someone’s gotta win.

That’s it for this post. Time to comb through the fantasy rosters and make the tough decisions. Fun times.

Enjoy Week 4.

Wide Left

I can’t believe we’re going to lose. To the fucking Cardinals. What the fuck? What’s wrong with this team? We’ve got some problems. They dominated us all game. Now they just have to get a first down and it’s over. Seriously, we’re gonna lose to the Cardinals at home? I can’t believe this shit. I don’t even know why I’m watching anymore. Patriots won’t stop them. Here comes the run and WHOA, BALL! BALL! BALL! YEAHHHHHHHHH! NEW ENGLAND BALL! WOOOOOO! We got a shot! This is ridiculous! Come on O, we need points. Handoff to Woodhead and HOLY SHIT HE’S GONE! TOUCHDOWN! HELL YEAH! Wait, what? Holding? Where? Gronk didn’t hold anyone. Oh, that’s a bullshit call. That’s not holding. Fuckin’ scab refs. Dammit. Well, we still got the ball. It’s not all bad. Just need to make some plays. Another run. Clock’s ticking. I guess we’re playing for the field goal. Gostkowski has been money today. Four field goals already and we’re lined up for the fifth right in the middle of the hashes. Here we go. Please just make this. I promise I won’t bet on the Patriots again. Just give me this win. Please. Here we go. This is it. For the win. Snap. Hold! Kiiiiiick!

*****

What the fuck was that? Wow. Not even close. Jesus fucking Christ.

That was “Five Minutes With A Patriots Fan.” This is Big Dumb Animal. Who’s excited for another post?

Guys, please. Don’t hurt yourselves. It’s just a blog. Relax.

Some music for our readers?

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 2 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

UnitedStatesofSpace 123.68, The Three Daves 110.86 – USS holds off TTD, doubles win total from last year.
Piss On You 153.86, TastesLikeItSmells 123.86 – POY moves to 2-0 after streaming past TLIS.
Tron 125.32, A fuckn shark ate me 114.96 – Monday night’s performances catapulted Tron to another win.
Black Bush 191.20, RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA 130.26 – Black Bush waterboarded their way to second victory.
19th St Gangsters 212.92, Good Ass Cheese 138.08 – Gangsters put high heels on my team’s dead carcass. Wow.

Here are the standings after Week 2.

All-Crack Party Team – Week 2
Below are the best performances from starters in Week 2. Ten brand new members to the All-Crack Party club, as no players from last week’s team could grab repeat honors.

QB – Eli Manning (Tron) – 39.20 points
WR – Hakeem Nicks (19th St Gangsters) – 39.90 points
WR – Danny Amendola (19th St Gangsters) – 39.16 points
WR – Victor Cruz (Black Bush) – 37.90 points
RB – Reggie Bush (Black Bush) – 39.70 points
RB – C.J. Spiller (Black Bush) – 34.00 points
TE – Vernon Davis (RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA) – 24.30 points
FLEX – Dwayne Bowe (Piss On You) – 32.20 points
K – Stephen Gostkowski (19th St Gangsters) – 17.00 points
DEF – Seattle (Good Ass Cheese) – 19.08 points

Week 2 All-Crack Party Team Total – 322.44 points

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 3 Preview
Matchups and a preview of ten words or less.

Black Bush vs. Tron – Early season blockbuster featuring 2-0 teams.
Piss On You vs. The Three Daves – “Better to be pissed off than pissed on.” Wise words.
UnitedStatesofSpace vs. TastesLikeItSmells – TLIS has to turn it around, Oakenfold style.
19th St Gangsters vs. RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA – The Ed Blounts Bowl is back. No smiling allowed.
A fuckn shark ate me vs. Good Ass Cheese – Shark + Cheese = #13 Value Meal at Long John Silver’s.

NFL – Week 2 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

Packers 23, Bears 10 – And that’s how the Cutler crumbles. Seven times.
Bills 35, Chiefs 17 – “C.J. Spiller playin’ like C.J. Iller.” My Stuart Scott-ism. BOOYAH!
Bengals 34, Browns 27 – Weeden is only remaining starting rookie QB without a win.
Colts 23, Vikings 20 – Luck wins rookie home opener. That’s something Peyton didn’t do.
Panthers 35, Saints 27 – Perhaps the Saints really are lost without Sean Payton.
Texans 27, Jaguars 7 – Who needs passing with Foster and Tate in the backfield?
Dolphins 35, Raiders 13 – Reggie Bush finally starting to play like a #2 overall pick.
Cardinals 20, Patriots 18 – Arizona ruined every survivor pool out there. Just see below.
Giants 41, Buccaneers 34 – Eli channels inner Frank Reich, leads Giants to first victory.
Eagles 24, Ravens 23 – Poor play-calling and execution ruined Baltimore’s second half.
Rams 31, Redskins 28 – Bonehead decision cost Redskins game and maybe Josh Morgan’s job.
Seahawks 27, Cowboys 7 – Dallas would have been better off not flying to Seattle.
Steelers 27, Jets 10 – Rex Ryan learned Steelers at home are tough matchup. Again.
Chargers 38, Titans 10 – Chargers’ requirements for winning games: pass-catching TE. That’s it.
49ers 27, Lions 19 – Other than themselves, who’s going to beat the Niners?
Falcons 27, Broncos 21 – Turnovers (and referees) erased Denver’s chances pretty quickly.

Bonus: I absolutely love when angry fans post ridiculous reaction videos after their team loses.

NFL – Week 3 Preview
Each game rated as a Sitter, Switcher, or Shitter. Definitions below. Then ten words or less.

• Sitter – AKA The Ass Groove Special. Ass glued to the couch. Eyes glued to the game. No bathroom breaks. Someone can bring you a sandwich and/or a bedpan.
• Switcher – Keep the remote handy. There’s other action to flip to during commercials. Including that Baywatch rerun. Or that Chef Tony infomercial.
• Shitter – Time to deal with the “pressing issues” at the “office.” The Browns going to the Super Bowl takes on a more figurative meaning.

Sitters
New York Giants at Carolina (Thu. 8:20 PM) – Quick turnaround after emotional wins. Possible letdown for both teams?
Atlanta at San Diego (Sun. 4:05 PM) – Into defense? Like low scores? This is not your game.
Houston at Denver (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Stout front seven will test Foster and Tate all day.
New England at Baltimore (Sun. 8:20 PM) – Both teams angry about last week? Ever so slightly.
Green Bay at Seattle (Mon. 8:30 PM) – MNF plus 12th Man could lead to Seattle pulling upset.

Switchers
St. Louis at Chicago (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Rams aren’t a pushover anymore. They’ll make Cutler uncomfortable.
Buffalo at Cleveland (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Spiller could run wild against Cleveland’s stingy pass defense.
Tampa Bay at Dallas (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Losses last week (in contrasting fashions) are motivation to win.
New York Jets at Miami (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Jets’ Week 1 offense must resurface for shot at victory.
Cincinnati at Washington (Sun. 1:00 PM) – RGIII’s first home game. Don’t screw it up Skins.
Detroit at Tennessee (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Titans’ defense allowed 72 points already. Detroit’s licking their chops.
Philadelphia at Arizona (Sun. 4:05 PM) – Unexpected: both teams 2-0. Very unexpected: Kevin Kolb starting.

Shitters
San Francisco at Minnesota (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Niners’ third straight NFC North opponent should be cakewalk.
Kansas City at New Orleans (Sun. 1:00 PM) – If Saints don’t win convincingly, there’s real problems.
Jacksonville at Indianapolis (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Luck poised to post big numbers against weak Jacksonville defense.
Pittsburgh at Oakland (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Oakland has looked awful, doubtful they’ll play better versus Steelers.

Benny The Bookie
Benny is the local bookie/degenerate gambler near my office, always waxing poetic on sports and how to beat the system. His pick of Kansas City +3 last week did not come through, dropping Benny’s record to 1-1. He is none too pleased.

Here’s a little verse for you grassone.

Indianapolis -3.
That’s the pick for me.
A name like Luck.
The Jaguars suck.
So for a buck.
Who gives a fuck?

Pugliese Power Pro Picks
After two weeks, Stephen, Greg, and my mom are in front. Stephen leads with the tiebreaker. Still a long season to go though.

Win Or Die (Or Lose Once)
The survivor pool shrunk dramatically, thanks to The New England Debacle of 2012. Now it’s a battle of families. Puglieses (my brother Stephen and my cousin Joe) versus Rands (sisters Jess and Steph). Guys versus girls as well. With only three eliminations needed to crown a champion, picks will become much more scrutinized. The real question now, like in the Twilight movies, is are you Team Pugliese or Team Rand?

Fantasy Football Olympics
Week 2 of my boss’ fantasy league was a good week for both my cousin Anthony and myself. My team (Brahjzoot Sangwitch) held off Game of Throws (my boss’ team) to move to 2-0 and Anthony (The Missing) picked up his first win of the season, rallying against The Bengali Butcher.

And with that, this post is in the books. Only a couple hours until the Giants and Panthers kick off in Carolina. I’m definitely digging this NFL on Thursday idea. Nice work Roger.

Enjoy Week 3.

(Big) Easy As RGIII

RGIII, better known as Robert Griffin the Third, has been the talk of the NFL town this week. Not only did he lead the Redskins to an upset victory in New Orleans, but he did so by throwing for over 300 yards, 2 TDs, and no interceptions, something that has never been done in an NFL debut. And just today, Griffin was awarded NFC Offensive Player of the Week honors, a feat never accomplished by a quarterback in his NFL debut. Until now.

This is all well and good, but true Redskin fans argue that they’ve had RGIII before. Confused? Just see below.

Now let’s get this blog started. Music please.

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 1 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

Black Bush 152.28, The Three Daves 140.62 – Runners-up from last year avenge championship game loss.
A fuckn shark ate me 155.36, TastesLikeItSmells 110.34 – Sharks never looked back after fast start in early games.
Tron 147.36, 19th St Gangsters 137.46 – Gangsters came up just short on Monday night comeback.
Piss On You 164.00, Good Ass Cheese 129.22 – Matty Ice shined as POY drip drip dripped on GAC.
UnitedStatesofSpace 183.30, RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA 167.96 – Last year’s two worst teams combined for over 350 points.

Here are the standings after Week 1.

All-Crack Party Team – Week 1
New feature. I take all players that started in Week 1 and award the top performers with All-Crack Party Team honors. Just something to show my never-ending obsession with numbers. And my goal to write the phrase “Crack Party” as often as possible.

QB – Matt Ryan (Piss On You) – 37.46 points
WR – Julio Jones (TastesLikeItSmells) – 30.80 points
WR – Brandon Marshall (A fuckn shark ate me) – 28.90 points
WR – Andre Johnson (Tron) – 27.90 points
RB – Stevan Ridley (Black Bush) – 25.20 points
RB – Kevin Smith (UnitedStatesofSpace) – 25.10 points
TE – Jimmy Graham (Good Ass Cheese) – 20.50 points
FLEX – Demaryius Thomas (Tron) – 25.00 points
K – Matt Bryant (Good Ass Cheese) – 17.00 points
DEF – Baltimore (RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA) – 27.24 points

Week 1 All-Crack Party Team Total – 265.10 points

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 2 Preview
Matchups and a preview of ten words or less.

UnitedStatesofSpace vs. The Three Daves – Can USS continue last week’s momentum against last year’s champ?
Piss On You vs. TasteLikeItSmells – Piss On You probably does TastesLikeItSmells…sour.
A fuckn shark ate me vs. Tron – Friends become enemies as both teams aim for 2-0.
Black Bush vs. RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA – Black Bush mission is simple: Get oil, ruin Zach Good.
19th St Gangsters vs. Good Ass Cheese – The only battle between winless teams for the week.

NFL – Week 1 Recap
Scores and a recap of ten words or less.

Cowboys 24, Giants 17 – The third WR spot in Dallas belongs solely to Ogletree.
Bears 41, Colts 21 – All of a sudden, Bears have several offensive weapons.
Eagles 17, Browns 16 – Eight combined interceptions and generally ugly play from both squads.
Patriots 34, Titans 13 – Nothing flashy. Solid play from Patriots on offense and defense.
Falcons 40, Chiefs 24 – Matt Ryan began his breakout campaign with four total TDs.
Vikings 26, Jaguars 23 (OT) – Minnesota’s rookie kicker tied, then won game. That’s ice cold.
Redskins 40, Saints 32 – Quite the showing by RGIII. He even started a meme.
Jets 48, Bills 28 – Maybe their preseason ineptitude was part of the Jets’ ruse.
Lions 27, Rams 23 – Fourth quarter heroics saved Detroit from an embarrassing loss.
Texans 30, Dolphins 10 – Total team performance by Texans. No individual with standout numbers.
49ers 30, Packers 22 – Niners played like a Super Bowl-caliber squad.
Cardinals 20, Seahawks 16 – Kolb rescued the Cards and possibly his disappointing career.
Buccaneers 16, Panthers 10 – Mistakes plagued Carolina all day, handing win to Bucs.
Broncos 31, Steelers 19 – Manning’s still got it. Excited to watch him this season.
Ravens 44, Bengals 13 – Only Pantera could perform Domination better than Baltimore this week.
Chargers 22, Raiders 14 – Long snappers are important. Just ask Oakland.

Bonus: Brandon Weeden was sacked twice by the Eagles and once by the American flag.

NFL – Week 2 Preview
Each game rated as a Sitter, Switcher, or Shitter. Definitions below. Then ten words or less.

• Sitter – AKA The Ass Groove Special. Ass glued to the couch. Eyes glued to the game. No bathroom breaks. Someone can bring you a sandwich and/or a bedpan.
• Switcher – Keep the remote handy. There’s other action to flip to during commercials. Including that Baywatch rerun. Or that Chef Tony infomercial.
• Shitter – Time to deal with the “pressing issues” at the “office.” The Browns going to the Super Bowl takes on a more figurative meaning.

Sitters
Chicago at Green Bay (Thu. 8:20 PM) – Chicago’s not a pushover. Packers may fall to 0-2.
New York Jets at Pittsburgh (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Only Week 2, but could be statement win for Jets.
Detroit at San Francisco (Sun. 8:20 PM) – What’s more hyped? The game or the handshake afterward?
Denver at Atlanta (Mon. 8:30 PM) – Open up the air assault. Lots of passing here.

Switchers
Kansas City at Buffalo (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Could be competitive if Buffalo’s D shows up.
New Orleans at Carolina (Sun. 1:00 PM) – One of these teams at 0-2? Not what they expected.
Tampa Bay at New York Giants (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Giants go for a do-over from last Wednesday.
Baltimore at Philadelphia (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Baltimore is the underdog. Who made that decision?
Washington at St. Louis (Sun. 4:05 PM) – Can RGIII lead the Skins to the promised land of 2-0?
Dallas at Seattle (Sun. 4:05 PM) – For Dallas, this has letdown game written all over it.
Tennessee at San Diego (Sun. 4:25 PM) – They won, but Chargers didn’t look very good last week.

Shitters
Cleveland at Cincinnati (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Hopefully Weeden doesn’t get sacked again by the American flag.
Minnesota at Indianapolis (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Luck faces much weaker defense in game number two.
Houston at Jacksonville (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Houston’s D should have a field day in Jacksonville.
Oakland at Miami (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Cleveland is bad, but Miami could match them this season.
Arizona at New England (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Ken Whisenhunt is praying for a Kurt Warner comeback.

Benny The Bookie
Benny is the neighborhood bookie near my office, always talking about sports and “the way it used to be.” His pick of Baltimore -6 last week was correct, giving him a record of 1-0. See how happy he is?

Oh! What’d I tell ya? Baltimore was the big money pick last week. Come il cacio sui maccheroni. Now all you grassone want another pick, eh? I tell ya what. I’m in a good mood. I’ll give you one. Kansas City +3 against Buffalo. Why are they the underdog? I don’t know. But I do know that Buffalo’s defense looked worse than that sad excuse of a baseball team here they call the Mets. What a bunch of bums. You know they cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years? And don’t even bring up that World Series, what is it, Subway Series. Puzzare da fare schifo. Now you got me upset. Take a walk and get the fuck outta my face, huh?

Pugliese Power Pro Picks
The pick’em group is back fresh for 2012.  Anthony, Stephen, and Nate took the early lead, each putting up 12-4 records in Week 1.

Win Or Die (Or Lose Once)
Survivor is back for 2012 as well. We started with 14 players, but after Week 1, we’re down to 13. Jeff was the first player eliminated after choosing the Giants to beat the Cowboys. Sorry Jeff. No dice.

Fantasy Football Olympics
This is my boss’ fantasy league that my cousin Anthony and I are in. Week 1 was tight for both of us. My team (Brahjzoot Sangwitch) clinched victory after Ray Rice’s two TD performance on Monday night. Anthony (The Missing) wasn’t so fortunate, as Mike Nugent and the Baltimore defense came up short on a comeback by one lousy point.

That’s all for Week 1. Thanks to my new method of efficiency, this post only took a couple hours, rather than days. That calls for some celebrating.

You had to know that was coming. It’s the only natural conclusion that follows the theme of this blog. “Griffining” is this season’s “Tebowing.” Or at least until some other player’s pose is photographed and people attach the “-ing” suffix to that player’s name. I can’t wait until everyone is “Ortoning.”

Enjoy Week 2.

3…2…1…Lift-Off!

The day has finally come. Today, the National Football League embarks on another season. Fantasy Football begins in less than 24 hours. And weekly blog posts are back for a few months (or until I procrastinate). WOOOOOO!

Now before I get to the material, just a note about my blogging in general. I’m all about efficiency this year. Work hasn’t stopped being busy ever since I started last year and 8 PM is the earliest I arrive home from my daily commute, if I leave on time. That doesn’t leave much time for eating, watching football, blogging, housework, sleeping, and doing it all over again the next day. Therefore, my goal is to keep the posts short and sweet, cutting out the unnecessary clutter wherever I can. That way, I can publish quality posts and not burn out and contemplate dropping it all mid-season (see 2011).

And with that last bit of long-windedness (I promise), let’s get this blog rolling. Music please, maestro.

Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party – Week 1 Preview
Again, efficiency is the key. I’ll go through the games and write a preview of ten words or less.

The Three Daves vs. Black Bush – Starting where last season ended. Championship game rematch.
TasteLikeItSmells vs. A fuckn shark ate me – Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin’ collaborators go head-to-head.
Tron vs. 19th St Gangsters – Gangsters may have two of first three picks on bench.
Good Ass Cheese vs. Piss On You – Stafford and Megatron. Teammates in real life. Opponents in fantasy.
RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA vs. UnitedStatesofSpace- Last year’s two worst teams look to earn respect.

NFL – Week 1 Preview
For NFL contests, I’ll rate each game as a Sitter, Switcher, or Shitter (definitions below) and write a preview of ten words or less. Efficiency!

• Shitter – AKA The Ass Groove Special. Ass glued to the couch. Eyes glued to the game. No bathroom breaks. Someone can bring you a sandwich and/or a bedpan.
• Switcher – Keep the remote handy. There’s other action to flip to during commercials. Including that Baywatch rerun. Or that Chef Tony infomercial.
• Shitter – Time to deal with the “pressing issues” at the “office.” The Browns going to the Super Bowl takes on a more figurative meaning.

Sitters
Dallas at New York Giants (Wed. 8:30 PM) – Football is back. All is right with the world.
San Francisco at Green Bay (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Arguably, top NFC offense against top NFC defense.
Pittsburgh at Denver (Sun. 8:20 PM) – Peyton’s back! Can he go all game vs. Pittsburgh’s D?

Switchers
Indianapolis at Chicago (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Welcome to the NFL, Mr. Luck. Here’s an ice pack.
New England at Tennessee (Sun. 1:00 PM) – The Titans are doing big things this year. Tough opener.
Atlanta at Kansas City (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Two teams on the rise, in my opinion.
Washington at New Orleans (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Drew Brees becomes first player-coach since Tom Landry.
Buffalo at New York Jets (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Will the Jets offense score? Or stall like preseason?
Miami at Houston (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Interest in the Dolphins plummets after Hard Knocks ends.
Cincinnati at Baltimore (Mon. 7:00 PM) – The classic battle of youth (Cincinnati) vs. wisdom (Baltimore).
San Diego at Oakland (Mon. 10:15 PM) – Historically, weird things happen in the second Monday night game.

Shitters
Philadelphia at Cleveland (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Colt McCoy is rooting for Philly and a Weeden concussion.
Jacksonville at Minnesota (Sun. 1:00 PM) – No MJD? No AP? No thanks.
St. Louis at Detroit (Sun. 1:00 PM) – Jeff Fisher’s first task: successfully cover Megatron. Have fun.
Seattle at Arizona (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Why didn’t Arizona trade for Tavaris Jackson?
Carolina at Tampa Bay (Sun. 4:25 PM) – Schiano, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Jersey any more.

Benny The Bookie
Benny is the neighborhood bookie near my office, pictured below. You can always find him outside reading the New York Post, yelling at kids, or eating a sandwich at the local deli. He knows football and he knows gambling, and wants to give tips to all the “bischero” out there. So listen up. He’s only saying this once.

Hey, paisan. Benny the Bookie here, ready to teach all you scungilli a thing or two about football, capisce? Here’s today’s lesson. Defense. Wins. Championships. If you wanna winner, you need a little Nicky Buoniconti runnin’ around back there, blowin’ shit up like roba da matti, eh? A good defense is like a nice sausage and peppers from Mama. Always hits the spot. And I like them both, which is why I’m takin’ Baltimore -6 against Cincinnati on Monday night. Good defense. Good sausage and peppers. What more ya want, huh?

Pugliese Power Pro Picks

We’ve got the pick’em group going again this year. More info to come after Week 1 is complete.

Win Or Die (Or Lose Once)

Survivor is back again as well. More info to come after Week 1 is complete.

Believe it or not, that’s it for this week’s blog. I’m telling you, efficiency. I feel like a young Dave Weisglass whispering “Profit Margin” every time I say that, but it really is important this year for the quality of my blog, as well as my sanity.

Enjoy Week 1. And welcome back football. We’ve missed you. Why don’t you stay awhile?

Predictions And Prognostications 2012

“The future ain’t what it used to be.” -Yogi Berra

The NFL regular season gets underway in less than 24 hours, but the prediction season has been going strong ever since the final seconds of Super Bowl XLVI ticked off the clock and the New York Giants paraded around Lucas Oil Stadium as World Champions. And of course, I’ve got the itch to play fortune teller with my own set of predictions and prognostications about the 2012 season. First, some music (this one’s for you Pat)…

There we go. I’ll be selecting the division winners and wild card teams for each conference, as well as breakout and bust teams. I’ve also got picks for the awards distributed at the end of the season. Then, I’ll list my eight “somewhat bold” predictions, one for each division. And last, but definitely not least, I’ll give my Super Bowl XLVII matchup and winner. Now let’s get to the predictions before Bill Cowher blows a gasket.

Division Winners & Wild Cards
AFC Division Winners: New England, Baltimore, Houston, Denver
AFC Wild Cards: Pittsburgh, Tennessee
NFC Division Winners: New York Giants, Green Bay, Atlanta, San Francisco
NFC Wild Cards: Detroit, New Orleans

Thoughts
In the AFC, I think New England and Houston are shoe-ins to win their respective divisions, barring any unforeseen circumstances. Between Baltimore and Pittsburgh, I think one of them wins the North and the other takes one of the wild card spots, but I give the edge to the Ravens this year, thanks to clutch play from Joe Flacco, the one-man rushing attack that is Ray Rice, and their defense that never seems to age. Denver gets the slight edge over Kansas City (not San Diego, more on that later) to win the West. Their defense is young and strong and they have this guy under center named Peyton Manning, maybe you’ve heard of him? Tennessee takes the other wild card spot. I really like the chemistry Jake Locker built with his offense during the preseason and I believe Chris Johnson will return to pre-2011 form.

In the NFC, Green Bay and San Francisco are the automatics. I give the edge in the East to the Giants, although it’s a slight edge. Atlanta is poised for a breakout year behind the high-powered offense of Matt Ryan, Roddy White, Julio Jones & Company, which is why I think they take South. Detroit takes one of the wild card spots, as I believe (and hope, for fantasy purposes) Matthew Stafford will stay healthy and no one (defenders or Madden Curse) will be able to slow down Megatron. The other wild card spot goes to New Orleans. It’s a close battle between the Eagles, Cowboys, and Bears, but I give the advantage to the Saints, since Drew Brees not only knows how to win, but he’s basically running the team with Sean Payton being suspended for the season.

Breakout & Bust Teams
AFC Breakout: Kansas City
AFC Bust: San Diego
NFC Breakout: Carolina
NFC Bust: Dallas

Thoughts
Let’s start with Kansas City. Their squad was decimated last year by injuries and the general ineffectiveness of Todd Haley at head coach. But entering 2012, the Chiefs’ positives greatly outweigh the negatives. Romeo Crennel enters his first full season as head coach (remember, he helped Kansas City beat Green Bay last season, their only regular season loss). Jamaal Charles is healthy and ready to run. Newly acquired Peyton Hillis is poised to be the “Thunder to Charles’ “Lightning.” And don’t forget about new offensive coordinator Brian Daboll, who will immediately enhance the offense’s performance.

On the flip side, San Diego will have a disappointing season. Vincent Jackson is gone. Mike Tolbert is gone. Vincent Brown is shelved until November at the earliest and Ryan Mathews is on the mend as well. Philip Rivers has Antonio Gates as his top receiving target, but Gates always seems to find his way to the injured list. Looking at San Diego’s schedule, after opening the season at Oakland on Monday night, the Chargers follow with home games against Tennessee and Atlanta, then traveling to Kansas City and New Orleans, and finishing at home against Denver before their bye week. If you’re keeping track, that could be a record of 1-5, or even (gasp!) 0-6 by mid-October.

Carolina is on the way up this season. Cam Newton experienced a record-setting 2011 and I think he’ll go through a sophomore bump, rather than slump. His chemistry with Steve Smith can only improve from last season and the rushing attack of DeAngelo Williams, Jonathan Stewart, and Mike Tolbert will ease some of the pressure off of Newton’s shoulders (or arm). Sure, their schedule isn’t easy and they live in a stacked division, but I think at least an 8-8 campaign is reasonable for the Panthers.

Which brings me to Dallas. Maybe I’m just being pessimistic. Or maybe I’m turning into my dad. But I just don’t see it from the Cowboys this year. I hope I’m wrong, but they have way too many question marks to be considered a contender in my mind. Can DeMarco Murray continue the success he had last season before injuring his foot? Can any of the receivers stay healthy throughout the season? Can the offensive line do their job and keep Tony Romo upright? Can the secondary back up the performance of the front seven and prevent opposing offenses from running free? I want to say yes, but I can’t say it confidently. As tough as it is to say, it’s going to be a down year for the Cowboys. If you’re listening Dallas, please prove me wrong.

Season Awards
Most Valuable Player: Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans
Offensive Player of the Year: Tom Brady, QB, New England
Defensive Player of the Year: Patrick Willis, LB, San Francisco
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Doug Martin, RB, Tampa Bay
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Chandler Jones, DE, New England

Eight “Somewhat Bold” Predictions

AFC East – Buffalo is the top team outside of the AFC “playoff bubble.”
The Bills are on the up and up this season, thanks to a much-improved defense, headlined by the acquisition of Mario Williams. They won’t make the playoffs (you can blame Stevie Johnson’s drops for that), but there’s a lot of promise for Buffalo’s future.

AFC North – Cleveland clinches the top spot in the 2013 Draft.
Cleveland’s schedule is absolutely brutal. Not only do they go against a very strong AFC North for six games, but they also have the luxury of eight games against an always-tough NFC East and a much-improved AFC West. The other two games? Buffalo at home and Indianapolis on the road. I highly doubt anyone, other than Browns fans, can go through their schedule and confidently pick out three definite wins this year. Why so happy Mr. Weeden?

AFC South – Indianapolis wins at least six games behind Andrew Luck.
The Colts are not a bad team. They’re not even the worst team in their division. Sure, Andrew Luck is a rookie, and we know how well the last rookie QB fared in Indianapolis (Peyton Manning went 3-13). But Manning didn’t have the talent that Luck has in front of him. An aging but able Reggie Wayne will provide a nice target, as will Coby Fleener, Luck’s security blanket since their old playing days at Stanford U. What remains to be seen is if the offensive line can keep Luck comfortable and not running for his life all season.

AFC West – All four starting RBs (Jamaal Charles, Ryan Mathews, Darren McFadden, Willis McGahee) miss at least one game each during the regular season.
Mathews is already likely to miss the season opener with his broken collarbone from the preseason. McFadden has yet to prove he can stay healthy throughout an NFL season. Charles is returning from a significant knee injury and is bound to absorb some nicks and bruises after being sidelined since last September. And McGahee is a 30-year old running back, which by NFL standards means he’ll be using a walker and an AARP card in about two years.

NFC East – The division title is not clinched until Week 17.
The NFC East is always a dogfight, plain and simple (no, that Michael Vick pun wasn’t intended). Can you remember the last time the NFC East division winner won the title by more than one game? The year was 2008, and the Giants were the top dogs (these Vick puns have to stop). In fact, last season, the division title was decided not only during the final week, but during the final game of the regular season. All in all, the NFC East will do a lot of barking before the Week 17 bite (I know, that one was forced).

NFC North – Chicago earns the distinction of top defense in the league.
Let’s face it. The Bears’ defense is getting old. Brian Urlacher is 34. Julius Peppers is 32. Lance Briggs and Charles Tillman are 31. To be cliche, Chicago’s “window” is closing. Urlacher & Company know this, and with their rejuvenated offense (oh hey Brandon Marshall), the defense will go balls to the wall in the hopes of making 2012 a Super year. They might not have many more chances.

NFC South – All four teams go at least 7-9.
I think the Buccaneers are the only team that might prevent this prediction from becoming reality. The Falcons and Saints will definitely earn winning records and I think the Panthers can turn in a solid 8-8 year. The Bucs were a major disappointment last season, leading to the hiring of Greg Schiano and a culture change in Tampa Bay. If Doug Martin pans out the way experts think he will, and Josh Freeman reverts to his 2010 form, the Buccaneers should have no problem picking up seven wins.

NFC West – Marshawn Lynch wins the rushing title.
Yes, I know. This prediction is influenced by my own interests (Lynch is a starter on both of my fantasy teams), but if he can continue the momentum he built up at the end of last season, a rushing title will not be out of reach. After years of struggling in Buffalo, Lynch has found his niche in Seattle. He’s a hard runner and arguably the best option for a Seahawk offense led by rookie Russell Wilson. If Lynch can stay injury-free, Seattle (and my fantasy teams) will benefit greatly. And maybe then, he can refresh everyone’s memory on how to tip their whip and/or cart.

Super Bowl XLVII – New England vs. Green Bay
I know. I’m not really going out on a limb here. It might be the “safe” pick, but it’s hard to choose any other matchup with confidence. Tom Brady and Bill Belichick just know how to win (except in their last couple Super Bowls) and Green Bay seems to be way ahead any other NFC team. As long as both teams don’t have an off day during the playoffs (looking more at you, Packers), Super Bowl XLVII should be an offensive clinic, and an exciting one at that. But hey, if some other teams want to sneak in there (ahem, Dallas, cough), be my guest. Just make it a good game please. And maybe I can win my box pool? Pretty please?
Winner: Green Bay

Those are my predictions. Now let’s see how many actually materialize. I’d be happy with half. Like Bernie Mac.

Thank you, good night.

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

“Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.” -Jay Mohr

I know. It’s not Christmas. And the summer is fading faster than Terrell Owens’ future job prospects. School is starting back up, the days are getting shorter, the weather is getting cooler, and who can forget the dreaded “No White After Labor Day” rule? It’s down right depressing. What is one to look forward to in these challenging times?

Football. Glorious, glorious football.

America’s favorite pastime (sorry, baseball) will be in full swing (wow, a baseball pun pertaining to football) sooner than you know it. And that makes me grin ear to ear. The college season began this past weekend and the NFL starts its season unconventionally this upcoming Wednesday. And with the commencement of the NFL, so begins fantasy football, my favorite pastime.

I’m taking part in two leagues this season: the league I’ve been running, entering its fourth year, as well as a new league, commissioned by my boss. Let’s start with the league I manage, Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party (formerly known as God Hates The Eagles). With the Chappelle’s Show theme being utilized for the second year in a row, I felt the new league name was much more relevant. But it’s not the only change. The league downsized during the offseason, going from twelve teams to ten. How about we meet those teams? Enjoy the Chappelle references. They never get old.

UnitedStatesofSpace (Stephen)
2011 Record and Rank: 1-13, 12th
Players Kept This Year: Sebastian Janikowski
Top Three Draft Picks: Aaron Rodgers, Frank Gore, Mike Wallace
Outlook: After ranking dead last in 2011, UnitedStatesofSpace can only go up this year. The ultimate goal? A championship. And Mars. Red rocks. YAY YAAAYYYY!

RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA (Zach)
2011 Record and Rank: 5-9, 11th
Players Kept This Year: Baltimore Defense
Top Three Draft Picks: Ray Rice, Peyton Manning, Jamaal Charles
Outlook: Risk averse is not a way I would describe RIVERSIDE MOTHAFUCKA, at least in terms of this year’s draft. Manning and Charles are coming off season-long injuries. Pair that with the several 49ers selected (Vernon Davis, Michael Crabtree, Randy Moss, David Akers) and you’ve got the definition of a boom-or-bust team. And you know Wayne Brady doesn’t want a bust. Unless it’s attached to one of his hos.

Piss On You (Greg)
2011 Record and Rank: 6-8, 10th
Players Kept This Year: Darren McFadden
Top Three Draft Picks: Calvin Johnson, Steven Jackson, Marques Colston
Outlook: Piss On You will ride their big WRs all year. Literally. Johnson, Colston, and Vincent Jackson are 6’4″ or more. Dwayne Bowe is the shrimp of the group at 6’2″. TE Jermichael Finley (6’5″) complements the figurative skyline of pass-catchers. If McFadden can stay healthy, this team will be dangerous. Just like R. Kelly at a junior prom.

A fuckn shark ate me (Pat)
2011 Record and Rank: 7-7, 9th
Players Kept This Year: Arian Foster, Michael Vick
Top Three Draft Picks: LeSean McCoy, Dez Bryant, Brandon Marshall
Outlook: STACKED! THAT’S HOW TO DESCRIBE A FUCKN SHARK ATE ME IN ONE WORD! THEY OWN TWO OF THE THREE ELITE RUNNING BACKS (Foster and McCoy), AS WELL AS TWO WIDEOUTS WITH HUGE POTENTIAL THIS SEASON (Bryant and Marshall)! NO, I CAN’T STOP YELLIN’! THIS IS HOW I TALK! YES, THEY DESERVE TO DIE! AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!

19th St Gangsters (Osche)
2011 Record and Rank: 7-7, 5th
Players Kept This Year: Cam Newton, Darren Sproles
Top Three Draft Picks: Maurice Jones-Drew, Hakeem Nicks, Adrian Peterson
Outlook: The 19th St Gangsters are another boom-or-bust team. Their first-round draft pick (MJD) recently ended his holdout for a new contract, so who knows how he’ll perform, while their next two picks (Nicks and Peterson) are fighting injuries. Newton and Sproles will keep this team in the hunt, granted they can mimic their production from last season, as well as stay away from another war against the River Terrace Crew.

Good Ass Cheese (Joe)
2011 Record and Rank: 7-7, 6th
Players Kept This Year: Matthew Stafford, Steve Smith
Top Three Draft Picks: Jimmy Graham, Greg Jennings, Fred Jackson
Outlook: Despite all efforts, Good Ass Cheese could not keep the Stafford-Megatron connection together for 2012. That being said, the team still has solid options at all the skill positions. Stafford, however, is the unquestioned leader. A long-term injury could cancel a championship appearance, something that Arsenio Hall knows all too well.

Tron (Wayne)
2011 Record and Rank: 9-5, 4th
Players Kept This Year: Tony Gonzalez
Top Three Draft Picks: Chris Johnson, Andre Johnson, DeMarco Murray
Outlook: After two straight fourth-place finishes, Tron has the makings of a team ready to surpass that ranking. The Johnsons (Chris and Andre) will score early and often, as long as they can stay healthy. Eli Manning will quietly pass his way to another successful season. And hopefully, Mohamed Massaquoi will have the breakout year that everyone has been awaiting. Either that, or James Harrison will tell him “Night night. Keep yo’ butthole tight.”

TastesLikeItSmells (Mike)
2011 Record and Rank: 8-6, 3rd
Players Kept This Year: Julio Jones, A.J. Green
Top Three Draft Picks: Tom Brady, Wes Welker, Ryan Mathews
Outlook: TastesLikeItSmells (…Delicious!) could be an extremely potent team this season, headlined by the Brady-Welker partnership. Jones (age 23) and Green (age 24) may be young, but they can go toe-to-toe with any other top-tier WR (except maybe Megatron) in the league. RBs are the only questionable spot, with Mathews fighting injuries, as well as Willis McGahee and Cedric Benson facing uncertainty in their roles.

Black Bush (Jim)
2011 Record and Rank: 8-6, 2nd
Players Kept This Year: Victor Cruz, Aaron Hernandez
Top Three Draft Picks: Drew Brees, Larry Fitzgerald, Trent Richardson
Outlook: If Drew Brees can lead New Orleans, he can lead Black Bush. Fitzgerald and Richardson are question marks at the moment due to their situations (QB battle in Arizona and the Browns being the Browns), but Cruz and Hernandez will be strong producers for the team. And Black Bush is the home to two black Bushes, Reggie and Michael. They got forty nations ready to roll, son!

The Three Daves (John)
2011 Record and Rank: 11-3, 1st
Players Kept This Year: Jordy Nelson, Rob Gronkowski
Top Three Draft Picks: Matt Forte, Roddy White, Philip Rivers
Outlook: After dominating last season and claiming their first championship, The Three Daves have three big targets on their back. The question is how they’ll respond to the competition this season: the 18-year old way (“HELP!”), the 24-year old way (“Smoke weed every day.”) or the 30-year old way (“Fuck Nick Cannon.”). Just the keepers alone (Nelson and Gronkowski) show that this team is prepared to defend last year’s title and go after another one in 2012. Rivers may be a downgrade at QB compared to Drew Brees last year, but Forte and White will pick up the slack and keep The Daves (all three of them) competitive.

So that’s Tyrone’s $450,000 Crack Party. I won’t go into too much detail about the other league I’m in, but I will be following it all season and providing performance updates throughout the year. It’s a league that my boss and I discussed creating ever since we found out that we both enjoy fantasy football. Not only will I be competing with my boss, but my cousin Anthony is joining in the fun, so I get to report on my team’s progress, as well as Anthony’s. Our goal is to blow away the rest of the league and face each other in the championship.

Here’s our Week 1 starting lineups, just to give some perspective on our teams.

• My Team: Michael Vick at QB (ugh), Wes Welker and Brandon Marshall at WR, Ray Rice and Marshawn Lynch at RB, Jimmy Graham at TE, Dez Bryant at Flex, Garrett Hartley at K, and Dallas at DEF.
• Anthony’s Team: Tony Romo at QB, Roddy White and Greg Jennings at WR, LeSean McCoy and DeMarco Murray at RB, Tony Gonzalez at TE, Marques Colston at Flex, Mike Nugent at K and Baltimore at DEF.

Alright, enough about fantasy teams. It’s time to get ready. Fantasy Football 2012 begins now.

Good luck. You just may need it.